Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Excuses and Taking Responsibility

Yesterday was the first day of Pre-Season for 12WBT Round 2, 2012. 

I sat down and watched Mish talk about excuses. It's interesting how even though I've watched the same video many times before, new things struck a light in my head.

When I moved house and changed jobs and basically uprooted my entire life, I did not cope well. I didn't want to admit it at the time, although I looked fine on the outside, on the inside I was an absolute mess. I was stressed and didn't acknowledge it and instead, I started using food to soothe myself. I wasn't training either and the amount of food I was eating was disgraceful! Needless to say I put on a lot of weight from all the binging and kept doing it even though I felt heavy, sluggish and disgusting. None of my regular clothes fit and I was spiralling out of control.

The problem was, I now realise that I wasn't taking responsibility for my actions. I would tell myself that it didn't matter... That I could 'work it off later'. The thing is, the 'later' never happened and instead I spent my time eating more food! I've always struggled with  stress by binge eating, but I'd set a new precedent. I was expecting things to resolve themselves and for things to magically return back to normal! Of course they didn't... But one morning I woke up and realised that I was being immature and stupid and that no one was going to fix this for me. I had to step up to the plate and change things for myself. 

I made a shrine in my kitchen, put up post-it notes to remind myself of how I was going to make healthy decisions for the future. I put up photos of myself at my peak and I made conscious decisions throughout the day to make sure that I did not revert back to binging. Don't get me wrong, it was an absolute struggle at times... Often fighting with myself in and out of the kitchen about decisions that I had made just 5 minutes prior! "No, you don't need to eat that yoghurt, you just had dinner"... Five minutes later I'd find myself back in the kitchen staring into the fridge, wondering how I'd got there. I would snap myself out of it and distract myself with something productive. There were many set backs, but with every step back, I made two steps forward.

Which brings me to where I am now.

I am in control. 
I make smart and healthy decisions about my food intake on a subconscious level.
I fill my body with nutrients and the energy it needs. 
I rarely eat any processed food. 
I can't remember the last time I ate something that had sugar as one of the top ingredients.
I don't "need" sugary foods anymore. I don't even think about it.  
I am training 6-7 days per week. 
I don't let anything get in the way of my training plans. 
I plan ahead with food and pack healthy snacks and meals when I am away from home.
I am in control. 

In saying that, my weight loss since then has been very different to when I did Round 3, 2011. I was dropping 1-2kg per week during that round, but recently I've been lucky to lose 0.5kg per week, though my body is shrinking at an astronomical rate! My body fat percentage is shrinking, yet my weight is fairly consistent! I am building muscle under all this fat and I feel stronger than ever

Tomorrow is weigh-in day, but today I got out my tape measure to see what my body was doing because I feel smaller.

Chest: 94cm (-5cm)
Waist: 75cm (-3cm)
Belly button: 83cm (-4cm)
Hips: 102cm (-2cm)
Thigh: 57cm (=)
Thighs together: 96cm (=)
Arm: 30cm (+0.5cm)
Weight: 78.8kg (-0.2kg since last measurements)
Lean Body Mass: 57.7kg (+1.7kg)
Body Fat: 26.8% (-2.4%) 

Go figure!

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